How can we better handle difficult conversations?
Difficult conversations often loom large in our minds, creating anxiety and hesitation. Even procrastination, if we are honest.
But why are these conversations daunting? I spend a large amount of my professional life engaged in difficult conversations with individuals, staff in conflict, and entire teams and groups seeking to address complex challenges together. Here's a little bit about what I have learned. And i am still definitely learning!
It primarily comes down to the complex web of emotions and the potential conflict they invoke. Whether it's delivering critical feedback, discussing undesirable behaviours, or addressing unmet expectations, these discussions touch upon personal and professional sensitivities, right down to our sense of identity, that make them uncomfortable.
As much as we may not look forward to them, they are invariably as necessary as they are challenging. It is also true that these types of conversations often seem easier than expected once you have reached the other side. We expect them to be worse than they are.
Why Are They So Tough?
Difficult conversations are tagged as such because they often involve high stakes, strong emotions, or sensitive topics (among other things!). They:
inevitably challenge the way we each see the world.
involve 'adaptive work' for all parties, which means challenging deeply held beliefs.
are complex due to the diversity of perspectives involved, and that means they
are uncertain.
Imagine trying to navigate a maze where every turn presents another viewpoint to consider. Different values and backstories can lead to conflicts, making it tricky to reach a consensus. The infamous "amygdala hijack" is at play here too, with emotional responses potentially overriding our rational thinking.
Preparing for Difficult Conversations: Essential Steps
Navigating difficult conversations is a skill that can be refined with the right preparation. Preparation is key and begin by asking yourself, how you need to change before you start. Maybe you need to admit you've been fuelling the behaviour by not drawing attention to it soon enough. Maybe you haven't stepped fully into your role as a team leader or senior manager and risked 'friendships' along the way. MY golden rule is always, "if you want others to change their behaviour, first you must change yourself". Once you have done that, the following guide may help. It's a guide only because it can't be a recipe for success, the topic is too complex)
Here’s a structured approach to ensure you’re ready to handle even the most challenging discussions effectively. You can click here for my full "Initiating Difficult Conversations Guide".
Prepare: Lay the Groundwork
Gather all relevant information, including examples and your perspective.
Prepare key messages and identify the values you want to convey from the way you conduct yourself in this conversation.
Clarify what a successful outcome would look like, keeping an open mind.
Consider past conversations and what techniques were effective then.
Choose the optimal time, place, and environment (private, formal/informal) .
Invite: Extend the Offer
Approach the person directly, either in person or through a suitable medium like email.
Clearly state the topic, agenda, and reason for the meeting.
Allow them time to digest the invitation and prepare.
Confirm time and place, ensuring they feel supported .
Deliver: Execute with Care
Centre yourself and remain present throughout the conversation.
Set a clear structure: welcome, introduction, context, positive aspects, and expectations.
Focus on outcomes—aim for a win/win scenario.
Listen actively and acknowledge their behaviours and responses.
Stay on track, avoiding irrelevant details, and use a 'reset' plan if necessary.
Summarise key points to ensure clarity .
Follow Up: Reinforce and Adjust
Make sure to follow up to maintain your credibility and reinforce the conversation’s significance.
Maintain your usual relationship patterns to show normalcy has been restored.
Revisit the goals and outcomes to make any necessary adjustments.
By focusing on these steps, you can transform difficult conversations into opportunities for growth and understanding, ultimately fostering a more reflective and effective workplace culture.
Difficult Conversations is an 'old nugget' that never goes away - primarily because we humans all have different perspectives. Let me know if you'd like an impactful workshop with your people.
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